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It is as if things are coming back as real as they were in the past.  It is a feeling of nostalgia.  I hate this feeling but it still gives me, for some reason, a light smile.  I don’t know but the thought of these creeping in me makes me nervous and elated at the same time.

For one, I am listening to songs I last heard half a decade ago.  Raking back CDs and MP3 files to play songs that described my colorful yet unfinished past.  I don’t know, but believe me, I am listening to love songs that sprung a relationship I never imagined would end just like that.

Another is I am back to being a kid, anew.  Posting Garfield pictures in my Multiply site made me think, “Hey, you’re old enough to post such in your site!”  Even if, I posted them.  Making me feel happy, carrying a little light feeling that I was once a child and I will always be the good little boy for everyone.  Am I still?  (smile)

Heart pounds once more.  My private yet much publicized heart’s story is giving me much damp air I hardly can’t breathe.  After a circus of booms and poofs, I found myself insane again.  Having been deadly infatuated to someone I can never have for the moment, to lightly fascinated to someone I just met and mingled with for a few hours.  From being embraced by someone that you hold on so important but can’t give the same warmth much expected from you, to be swamped by a dose of nostalgia that leads you to a past that you never imagined will haunt you back.

Twilight sets again.  Entrapped by loneliness and unanswered questions, the poison of reality gives me, once more, deadly shots of pain.  Killing my vital organs, slowly crawling to my veins as I reach to a bottle of life’s healing tablets that will cure and draw me closer to the Light.

As these things make a sudden comeback, I can’t help but be fearful as things I don’t want to happen may once more takes it toll just like a gravel pounded by justice.  Still, there are some drops of optimism that though past may creep like ghosts, I hope I can be man enough to make things right this time.

Nevertheless, I am still grateful because I can still recall the past and my memories are not  vacuumed by dark dementors.

Just three days ago, I turned 26 years old.  Probably, a bit wiser and a bit wilder.  Myself and the people around me were witnesses of  the changes and transformations I underwent to be what I am right now.  Some were good, some were not so.  Nevertheless, the fact that I changed is a feat.  I believe that everything, no matter what it is, comes with and for a purpose.

My stay in Bohol really did not gave me answers to the questions I brought with me.  In fact, they are still unanswered and remain to be questions.  However, the time and peace that the four-day reprieve gave me allowed me to have different perspectives on how I can answer my life’s questions. I still came across with the same issues, plus a set of new ones.

People see me invincible.  People see me unconquered.  People see me seamless.  But hey, we are all humans.  Humans that endear fears, make failures, face confusions, fight struggles, and endure pains. These are the things that make me weak, lose, and imperfect.  In the end, I am but human.

Along with these, I find myself appreciating life’s beauty and mystery.  Little did I know I have almost everything that I need and will make me happy.  It is just a matter of seeing them through my naked eye.  Yes, I have what I should be needing.  Need I ask for more?

Life is a journey.  It’s a struggle.  It’s a never-ending battle against same foes and new enemies.  Life is a cycle.  We start a good one, struggle to make it perfect, commit mistakes, ask for forgiveness, pledge promises, start anew… but we should learn from every cycle.

I don’t expect to be a brand new person as I welcome another additional year of my life.  Instead, I’ll pursue to become a better person.  Having with me the things I should keep and leaving those that will do no good for me.  As simple as that.  Still, this is a struggle.

I have to make decisions, leaving no room for unsettled issues.  Close all old chapters and open new ones.  We might need to turn back to some pages in the future but we must learn to accept that we have to proceed to the present chapter.  In handing down decisions, we have to take all risks, pains and sacrifices accompanying them in order for us to move on.

As the Bible says, it’s never too late to change.  That’s why there is such a thing called change of heart.  I believe that we all deserve chances to make it up for all the wrong things we did.  Unconditionally.

There is time for sensitivity and being emotional.  That’s healthy.  But there is also a time to rejoice, be glad, and be happy.  Life is too short to allot much time succumbing with all the negativity.  Nevertheless, sometime we like being in drama just for the sake of being there.

Keeping the faith.  Loving people close to us.  Enjoying what we do in life.  Appreciating things around us. Making a difference.

Taking chances. Committing mistakes. Being sorry.  Doing crazy stuffs.  Saying things we don’t mean.

These what makes us.  Accept them with open arms.

As my birthday draws closer, I can’t but experience what most call “birthday blues.”  You know, things flashing at the back of your mind and little did you know that you are feeling the sadness.  Anyway, as a first toast to my blog site here in Multiply, i decided to write down my thoughts and feelings as I turn 26 on 28.

First, patching things and connecting with good old friends.  For some reasons, i found myself communicating with the people I got “misunderstandings” and lost touch with.  Gladly, I was able to brush off any issues I have with them, and finally bury the hatchet. Aside from that, I spent time texting people whom I lost contact with and greeted those I missed their birthdays.  I don’t have much memory in mind to remember all those dates (that’s why I hardly pass my History class back in high school). But gladly I have Friendster to keep me posted.

Second, going down memory lane.  As I look back the past 25 years, I can’t help but smile and cry at the same time.  All the hits and misses of my life.  In particular, the recent years.  I did things I never thought I will be engaging in, saying things I never liked to tell, and thinking of things I never imagined to do.  Weird, but these all happened to me.  To most, I might be the innocent, smiling, smirking, and meek kid.  Truth is, I already turned myself into a daredevil disguised as an angel.

Lastly, the decisions I made.  Were these all worth taking? I really don’t know.  As with the usual me, I know I made the best ones at that time.  And I know, that these decisions were made for the best purposes.  As I think about it right now, I believe I made the right choices in life.  Even if most do not agree with me, at the end its me all along.

Definitely, there will be more colorful, worth emulating life compared to mine.  But one thing is for sure: the life I am leading right now is the one I should be thankful for.  If I am to regret the kind of life God gave me, I will be the most ungrateful creature made.

As days come nearer, tides will change.  As I turn a year older, decisions will be made.  As I grow wiser, my life will turn into a new leaf.

May God deliver me to where I should be.  With Him.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever

Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad
You’d do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You’d give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you dont know what to say and you dont know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever (Have you ever)
Have you ever

Have you ever found the one you’ve dreamed of all your life
You’d do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to
Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much (so much) it makes you cry
(Makes you wanna break down and cry)
Have you ever needed something so bad(so, so bad) you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
(Have you ever)
Have you ever
Have you ever
(Have you ever ever ever)

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world cuz baby I can’t sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much (so much) it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever…

Loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
(Just cant sleep at night)
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever

Have you ever

Have You Ever by Brandy

It is 30 days before another year will be added to my calendar age. As I come close and closer to the this date, I decided to undergo a “30-day road test” and prepare myself as I unfold into a new leaf.

And as a first toast to this, I decided to make “lists” of different things that formed and molded me. Due to this, I will be listing 26 of the best lessons I learned during my existence.

1. “God is all we need in this life and the rest He provides.”

2. “Our family is all we got. Keep them.”

3. “Gratitude is one debt you cannot pay. You just have to keep paying the interest.”

4. “Let your enemies ruin you because they will ruin themselves all along.”

5. “Forgive those who took wrath on you but remember why you forgave them.”

6. “Be loyal to your friends. You’ll be surprised they are more loyal to you than you to them.”

7. “Take things calmly. Nothing comes out good if we all burst out.”

8. “Be open minded. You don’t know how much it is to understand and be understood.”

9. “Admit faults and accept consequences. You will never know how a sincere heart can soften others.”

10. “The Lord is everywhere. We must be sensitive.”

11. “We make our choices. We make our mistakes. We make our successes.”

12. “Pressures in between the lungs burst waters in our eyes.”

13. “Bottles of beer ease our feelings overnight. But the pain of accepting things again after waking up will still linger.”

14. “Don’t get things complicated.”

15. “We create our problems. Avoid ourselves from making one.”

16. “Too nice means too bad.”

17. “Diplomacy is the key to managing anger.”

18. “We have to choose: “doing the right thing” and “following the right feeling”.

19. “Look back at the good old times once in a while. Your nostalgia will bring happiness.”

20. “When you can’t control things, leave where you are immediately.”

21. “We are all children of God, never think you are below or above others.”

22. “Do not close doors. You don’t know when you will be coming back.”

23. “Love is universal. Everyone deserves it.”

24. “Don’t let love leave you. Leave love to others.”

25. “Loving someone whom can’t love you back really hurts, but sometimes we love being hurt just for the sake of.”

26. “Its never too late to have a change of heart. God’s arms are just waiting.”

“We don’t need to learn these all at once. We learn things when we best need them.” - the author

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
‘Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Who Am I by the Casting Crowns

Yes, who am I? 

I will give myself, I am Yours.

To all who read my blogs and posted their comments, I would like to thank you for appreciating and emphatizing with me and my write-ups.  It was indeed a heart warming gesture.

‘Til my next blog!

As I write this blog, I am at Burger King SM Fairview munching what they call a Whopper Meal.  I decided to go out for awhile and just simply relax.  Just discovered this good hangout place… a comfy seat, relatively affordable food, plus free wi-fi (which I am now using).  Haha… my economist instinct is still intact! 

Anyway, as I’ve said, I am giving this time for myself.  After all, I’ve been locked up by office work for the past four months.  I am not complaining, in fact, I am enjoying my new job. It’s just that there are some missing pieces I am trying to ignore but unconsciously looking for. 

I just realized that I’ve been doomed by my corporate life.  If I were to compute, my corporate responsibilities eat up approximately 75% of my time.  The rest are shared by extra curricular activities, family, friends, myself, and God. 

Just the past week, I’ve been repeatedly nagged by questions referring to my personal life.  That I report for work at 9am, leave at 10pm, arrive home at 1am, then wake up again at 6am…  a very dull routine.  It gave me a punch of realization that I am living like a dork for the past years.  Yes, yes, I do hangout with friends, share cans and bottles of beer, eat out, do hanky panky stuff, but after that, that’s it.  It ends there. 

It is so surprising that at my age, I don’t have much idea about Multiply, Facebook, YM!, and other techno stuffs of this generation.  Yes, I know them but I barely take time to check them out.  I feel I’m getting old so fast.  Funny but true.

I don’t know if it is right to take life seriously.  I don’t even like having life taking me seriously.  Then again, I am clueless.  I don’t get it.

But now, as I take this time for myself, I realized a number of things:  One, there are so much things to enjoy in life more than work.  Two, simple things mean a lot, and are priceless.  Three, the most important are often neglected. 

A year ago, when I faced dilemma, I would take time to converse with my God.  I simply share with Him my concerns, questions, and wishes.  Now, I barely utter a short prayer for Him. 

Things keep coming back, an old flame, old friendship, old confusions, and old issues in life that I thought I ended then. 

As I sit back here at this food chain, things flashed back as if there are all existing.. .

I missed the times I ask innocent questions to my God.

I missed spending time with my family, cousins, and nieces/nephews.

I missed sharing food, drinks, and good hearty laughs with my friends.

I missed lying down in bed thinking crazy thoughts.

I missed  checking my email and Friendster account as if  it would be the last.

I missed pushing my best buds from bed after sharing corny jokes and embarrassing anecdotes.

I missed watching TV till wee hours of the morning like a couch potato.

I missed giving my dog a bath. 

I missed seeing and strolling the mall. 

I missed buying a new released CD of my favorite artists. 

I missed playing my old CDs. 

I missed watching movies. 

I missed hearing the songs of my favorite artist…

I missed myself. 

Its been a year after I sent myself to exile.  That was the time when I get to unload myself of all heartaches, pains, grudges, and my life’s sins.  Yes, it really helped me to move on from my tiring life and dark past, but I guess I never lived up to what I promised myself back then.

God fulfilled His promised to me.   I got all that  I prayed for.   And I was even granted the things I didn’t hoped at all. 

It seems after that time I will live my life according to what it should be.  But then again, it seems the smoke coming from the ruins of my past keep on blurring my vision to see the life me and my God should share together.  Until now. 

Twelve months have passed and I still find myself in the same creepy room I prayed that I will leave forever. 

I don’t blame God for this.  I blame myself, my thoughts, and my choices.  I’m in the same old murky mud I thought I left a year ago because I still have the same outlook of my past self, I still linger on the same evil thoughts, and definitely still made the same wrong choices.  Too pathetic and too bad.

I don’t know what is happening.  Whenever I keep on tracking myself to the straight line, something is getting on my way to divert me to the sidelines. 

I will make this confession.  I am not the innocent face most people see me. I am a daredevil.  I am no good fella as many persons deem.  I am more of an angel in disgrace.  I am not bearing a full smile.  I am wearing a fool’s mask.

It’s difficult to struggle when you don’t know what your struggling for.  Its painful to feel something that you don’t want to feel at all.  Its unexplainable.

Whenever the sun shines , I feel the heat and pain.  Whenever the moon shows off its crescent, I feel the strife inside.  Whenever I hear the old songs of my past, my eyes still cry for the same reason.

When the clock ticks every midnight, I turn myself into a werewolf looking for one meaty prey in the dangerous forest.  All its vigor, all its aggressiveness.  And before the sun strikes its first ray of light for the day, I transform back to reality in my own naked glory.

The sonnet of my dark past still lingers.  When will I write the grand novel of my future?

Its been twelve months.  Its been twelve long months.  Its been twelve painful long months.  Pain slowly creeping back into me. 

As I face the next twelve months, will I be in the same old place I am now?  Same pain, same miseries.

The fallen angel…

I never knew happiness until I felt sad. I never knew friendship until I lost one.  I never knew trust until I was betrayed.  I never knew pain until I realized all of these…